By Eunice Nnachi, Yenagoa
In many communities across Bayelsa State, marriage is regarded as sacred and worth preserving at all costs. Women are often encouraged to endure hardship, forgive wrongdoing, and protect the family name. But child protection advocates warn that when preserving a marriage becomes more important than protecting a child, the consequences can be devastating.
For one Bayelsa mother, the lesson came through an experience she says she never imagined could happen in her home.
“The truth is that I trusted my husband completely,” she said. “We were committed Christians. We were always in church. He was the head instrumentalist and I was the music leader. We didn’t party or club. We were in church at least three times every week. I never imagined something like this could happen.”
READ ALSO:
- Bayelsa-Born Queen Soye Karibi-George Aganaba Wins Miss World Nigeria Crown
- Bayelsa Sports Ministry Celebrates Diri at 67, Hails Investments in Sports Infrastructure
The woman, who requested anonymity to protect her 18 years old daughter’s identity, who is now staying with the grandpa, recalled how her family appeared stable from the outside. She and her husband were respected church members and active in ministry. But beneath that image, a painful secret was growing.
According to her, the incident allegedly occurred in 2020 while she was attending an overnight church programme.
“Because the children usually caught cold during all-night services, we agreed that one parent would stay home while the other attended church,” she said. “According to what he later confessed, that was the night the defilement happened.”
Months later, she had a disturbing dream.
“In the dream, I came back from the market and found him harming my daughter,” she recalled. “When I woke up, I told him about it. I said maybe somebody was trying to hurt our 14 years old daughter then and that God was warning me.”
She remembers being alarmed by his reaction.
“He was unusually quiet. I asked him why he wasn’t saying anything, and he said he was just thinking about the dream.”
What she did not know was that the dream would later become a tool of manipulation.
According to information that emerged later, her husband allegedly told the child that her mother had threatened to kill both the offender and the child if she ever discovered such an act.
“That was why my daughter kept quiet,” the mother said. “She believed if she spoke, I would harm her. She carried that fear for six months.”
During that period, she noticed changes in her daughter’s behaviour but misunderstood what was happening.
“She became withdrawn and sluggish,” she said. “I used to shout at her because I didn’t know what she was going through. Looking back now, that is one of my biggest regrets.”
The teenager’s performance in school also declined.
Fortunately, someone else noticed.
“The school principal was very close to the students,” the mother explained. “My daughter eventually opened up to a teacher and said what had happened. She also said she was afraid because her father told her that if she spoke, the family would scatter.”
The teacher informed the principal, who immediately began taking steps to protect the child.
“The principal called him several times, but he refused to show up,” she said. “Eventually, the matter was reported.”
The mother remained unaware of these developments.
She recalls that around the same period, her husband became increasingly absent from home.
“He started sleeping outside. Sometimes he would leave and not return until the next day,” she said. “We were always quarrelling and I didn’t understand why his behaviour had changed.”
One afternoon, the principal arrived at her home.
“I thought something terrible had happened in school,” she recalled. “I was afraid. Then he told me, ‘Your dream came true.'”
The statement stunned her.
“I remember screaming,” she said. “I asked him what he meant because I had never discussed my dream with him. That was when he explained everything.”
According to her, the principal informed her that her husband had already been arrested.
“He held my hand and said, ‘I know you wouldn’t have had the strength to do this yourself.'”
The arrest triggered intense pressure from relatives and community members.
“When he was arrested, people started calling me,” she said. “They begged me to forgive him. They said I shouldn’t send him to prison. Some people said it was a family matter.”
The pressure was enormous.
“Everybody wanted me to protect the marriage,” she said. “Very few people talked about protecting the child.”
Years later, she says the consequences continue, because “I left the marriage the very day it was reported to the police. I couldn’t hold on” she said.
“It has been difficult,” she admitted. “Even when we were together, he hardly provided for the family. Now it is worse. Sometimes I have to call repeatedly before he sends money for the children.”
Her experience reflects a pattern child protection advocates say is common across Nigeria.
Barrister Boma Tonye of international federation of female lawyers FIDA Bayelsa says many women face a painful choice between justice and economic survival.
“One of the major reasons women remain silent is lack of economic empowerment,” she said. “Many women depend financially on their husbands and are afraid of what will happen if the man is arrested.”
According to her, societal expectations also play a role.
“Our society places enormous pressure on women to protect their marriages,” she explained. “Even in some churches, women are constantly told that a wise woman builds her home while a foolish one destroys it. Unfortunately, some women interpret that to mean they should endure anything.”
Tonye says the consequences can be severe.
“You have already lived your future as a mother,” she said. “Your child has not lived theirs. When you remain silent in cases of abuse, you are taking away part of that child’s future.”
The lawyer revealed that FIDA Bayelsa has handled numerous cases involving abuse within families.
“We have recorded about 14 cases of incest,” she said. “Some came directly to our office, while others were reported informally.”
She described the trend as alarming.
“Recently, we handled a case involving three siblings,” she said. “The number of cases we see is disturbing.”
Tonye emphasized that abuse by a stepfather is also considered incest.
“When a man marries a woman with children, he assumes the responsibility of a father,” she said. “Violating that trust is a serious offence.”
One recurring challenge, she said, is that victims and their families sometimes withdraw support for prosecution.
“When perpetrators are arrested, some mothers suddenly lose interest in pursuing the case,” she explained. “Then the accused person returns to the community and starts boasting.”
Her message is clear.
“Defilement is not a family matter,” she said firmly. “It is a criminal offence against the state.”
Community reactions often reveal deep divisions.
Some residents support victims, while others defend accused persons.
A resident, Preye Okoko, the community development chairman of Obunagha community in Yenagoa local government area, while reacting to another case of defilement by a stepfather said, many people struggled to reconcile the allegations with the public image of the accused.
“Sometimes a person can appear very quiet and responsible, and people assume they are incapable of wrongdoing,” he said. “When this happened, many people found it difficult to believe.”
Okoko acknowledged that the case generated intense debate within the community.
“Some people believed the child immediately,” he said. “Others said the man was innocent. There were arguments everywhere.”
Such reactions, experts say, are among the reasons many victims remain silent.
Fear of disbelief, stigma, and community backlash can be powerful barriers to disclosure.
Tonye believes stronger support systems are needed.
“We need safe homes for survivors,” she said. “Many children are afraid to speak because they don’t know where they will go afterward.”
She called on government and development partners to invest more in child protection infrastructure.
“If there are safe places for these children, more victims will come forward,” she said.
The Bayelsa mother now speaks openly about her experience in the hope that other women will learn from it.
“If your child tells you something is wrong, listen,” she said. “Don’t dismiss it. Don’t assume it cannot happen in your family.”
She paused before adding:
“The greatest mistake is believing that protecting a marriage is more important than protecting a child.”
Today, her daughter is rebuilding her life and pursuing her education.
The journey has not been easy, but the family is moving forward.
For advocates, however, the larger battle continues.
Every case reported, every survivor supported, and every community conversation helps challenge a culture of silence that has protected perpetrators for far too long.
As Tonye put it: “When children speak, adults must listen. When communities see signs, they must act. And when abuse happens, silence should never be an option.”
In Bayelsa and beyond, that message may be the most important protection a child can have.
This report was commissioned with support from the Centre for Journalism Innovation and Development (CJID) under a journalism support initiative funded by the Open Society Founndations.
